I take it back . . . .

I take it all back - my complaining of the 3 weeks in a row with sick kids. I take it ALL back. Our family was hit with a landmine yesterday-the diagnosis of Caleb with Type 1 Diabetes. He's 10. God, did you hear me? He's only 10-no kid should have to deal with this! I have all these emotions raging through me - fear, rage, worry - you name it, I'm feelin' it right now. Most of the words I want to say would be inappropriate, but I'm sure everyone has thought of a few choice words now and then. Surely I'm not alone!

So, let me backtrack. . . About 3 weeks ago when Caleb was sick, he had a virus. No flu; no strep; just a virus. He's been over it - no big deal. Well, the past 4 or 5 days Caleb has had excessive thirst. I didn't think a thing of it at first, but one night this past weekend I was reminded of a conversation about a toddler at the preschool I used to work for, who was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. She was suddenly excessively thirsty. My heart sank. I told Dennis that night we needed to get Caleb seen by a doctor. I didn't realize I should have probably done it immediately, but God's grace was sufficient and yesterday at 2:00 we were seen by our family practitioner.

Caleb did a "pee in the cup" test - which by the way he thought was hilarious! He'd never peed in a cup before. The results showed up with a lot of sugar in his urine, so then they did the finger poke. The result was "HI" which according to the meter means over 600. A normal level for sugars is 90-150 . . . Caleb was off the chart. The doctor looked at me and said, "this is not good." I knew. I knew before I took him in. God knew - that's why He reminded me of that conversation about my friend's child.

Based on the conversations I've had with the doctors, Caleb should have been in the Emergency Room. His numbers were off the charts, but he was remarkably well for as bad a shape as he was in. But, instead of the ER, favor abounded and we immediately headed to an endocrynologist who worked us into their schedule. They were fabulous! Both the doctor and nurse were Type 1 and had learned to deal with this since the 80's. We were handed glucose meters, needles, 2 different types of insulin shots, brochures . . . my head was spinning, Caleb was crying. It was awful, but through the awfulness, God's grace abounds!

When people say your life can change in an instant - they are right. I knew this, but having experienced, gives me a whole new perspective on situations my friends have gone through. I walked around in circles this morning trying to figure out what to do with myself. I'd gotten almost no sleep. The girls needed to get ready for school. Was I going to work or staying home? What to wear? Is Caleb going to school or are we going to monitor him? A cold front coming through, does everyone have jackets? Dennis is needing to get the truck to work for deliveries. Did the kids get their vitamins? Is Caleb ok? What's his blood sugar? Can he eat this? ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

My stomach still turns when I look at Caleb and see hurt in his eyes. He does NOT want this. He's old enough to know how life was before, but not quite old enough to heave a big sigh and just move on. As his doctor says, "shots suck!" I feel the same way - this really sucks!

However, as bad as this sucks, I know it could be worse. I have a dear friend who lost her daughter to a virus that attacked her heart. I have another friend whose daughter had a brain tumor. She's survived, but she will never be the same as she was before. I am reminding myself to count my blessings, as they are many. My son is a blessing and I am grateful he is still here with us. We walk on a little bruised, but we are not defeated. We raise our eyes to the One who knows exactly how we feel and reach for His hand as we move forward.

Blah . . . .

Blah. . . . . .

It has been about 3 weeks of sickness and doctor visits w/ the kiddos. Completely out of the norm for us! I am blessed as are my husband and kids with very little sickness and strong immune systems.

Since January hit, though, we have been hammered! Just after Christmas Rachel complained of an "ant bite". Being the all-knowing mama that I am, I told her to put some itch cream on it and went about my business. She complained off and on for about 3 days and then she actually showed me what she was talking about. This was more than an "ant bite" this was a full blown rash on both arms and both legs. UGH!

Off to the doctor and he said it was an allergic reaction to something, although it was hard to tell what. Steroids from Walgreens and off we went. A week later, it was no better and in fact spreading. YIKES! Back to the doctor. He then decided it looked like poison ivy or poison oak. More and stronger steroids and an antiobiotic so her scratching didn't get infected.

In the mean time, Rebekah got a stomach virus that had her doubled over every time she ate. Only puked once, but was in pain for almost a week. Thankfully no one else got it!

Caleb came home Friday w/ fever and sore throat. Off to Urgent care because it was after 5. No strep. No flu. Just the funk. By Monday he was better and went to school today. However, Rachel woke up with a sore throat and cough. She's doing better than Caleb did - no fever so hopefully will be at school tomorrow.

Thank you Lord for a healthy home! We are excited to be on the other side of this trial. Heal my kids and protect my family in Jesus Name! Amen!

It's Time. . . .

Well, it's the start of 2011 and I feel changes in the wind, though I'm not sure exactly what they are. I've been struggling in Children's Ministry for over a year now and it's time to let someone know. I've been doing this for 12 years now and one of the main things I've learned is that when you're in leadership if you look behind you and no one is following, then you are simply talking a walk . . . . you aren't leading anything. That's how I feel right now - I feel like I'm taking a long, lonely walk and it's time to let my leadership know. Because if I'm taking a walk, I am either 1. not leading effectively or 2. attempting to lead in the wrong area. Either way, it's time for a conversation to help me see what needs to be done. I want 2011 to be an effective year for the Children's ministry in our church and if that means a change for me in my leadership skills or moving me out of the way so someone with the proper skills can take over, I'm game for whatever. There's a little fear of the "whatever" because I'm a planner, but I've jumped into the deep end of the pool with God before and He hasn't let me sink yet! Here's to a great year! (splash!)


About 20 min's after I posted, I saw this from a friend on FB: "Out of our greatest rejection comes our greatest direction. When you come to a closed door, or something doesn't work out in your life, instead of seeing that as the end, regard that as God nudging you into a better direction. Yes, sometimes it's uncomfortable; sometimes we may not like it. But we cannot make the mistake of just sitting back & settling where we are." By Joel Osteen

His Chains are Gone . . .

It was Tuesday, September 28th at 6:15 AM - my phone rang, just as it had in my dreams a couple weeks earlier. It was my mom on the other end. . . . "Your Dad died" she managed to choke out those words. In that one moment I felt grief, confusion, and relief. Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace immediately began playing in my head. . . . "My chains are gone, I've been set free. . . ." Those were the only words rolling through my mind. It was like I was stuck on that one sentence and couldn't get to the rest of the song.

Being stuck on that one sentence stayed with me throughout the day. This is where the relief part of my emotions came in to play. You see, my Dad's body had literally become a cage to him. His movement was limited. His mental capacity and grasp of reality was fading only to be replaced by hallucinations and irrational thoughts that mirrored the unsaved, old nature of my Dad. He was literally a prisoner inside his own body and only God Himself could release him. And release him, He did.

I began to think of all the things I had to do. We obviously would have to be heading to Nebraska within a day. Kids had to be told, but still needed to get up and get ready for school - I would wait to tell them until they got home. I pulled myself together enough to get them off to school. Then I had to get myself ready for work so I could get a week's worth of stuff done in a few hours, head to the grocery store for road trip food, do laundry and pack.

I was either numb or in denial - I think maybe I still am, though I'm not really sure. I honestly felt nothing. That sounds so callous, but it's the raw truth. I truly believe I greived the loss of my Dad back in February when he went into the nursing home. At that point I realized he was gone. He still knew who I was for the most part, but he was no longer in his home, he was all alone, and picturing him in a nursing home hurt so deeply. I know it was what he needed and it was he best choice as far as his medical care went, but that didn't help with the emotional loss of my Dad - although he was still here, we were at a point of no return and I knew it. I remember that February day - sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing like I never had before. My eyes were almost swollen shut and Dennis stared at me like I was from another planet. He'd never seen me like that either and I think it frightened him. He didn't know what to do - there was nothing he could do. This couldn't be fixed.

Back to September 28th - the grief I felt in February had mostly passed - as much as grief ever "passes". I was at the relief point. No more suffering for my dad. No more financial questions or worries about medical stuff for my mom to deal with. No more emotional roller coasters regarding Dad's care. Only freedom. Freedom from his cage - freedom from worrying about him - my Dad was truly free and with Christ. (sigh)

Dad's funeral was the first funeral my kids had ever been to. Rebekah struggled terribly as I knew she would. Rachel wondered if Grampa was just sleeping. Caleb didn't say much - he just looked around at everyone and took it all in. The song sung at Dad's funeral - Amazing Grace. It was his favorite. The shirt he wore - "I'm the wretch the song refers to." It too, was his favorite.

One thing I realized after it was all over is that my family was being watched. One of my brother's best friends said, "I've never watched a Christian family grieve." It hit me - I guess that Christians would certainly grieve differently than those that had no hope in Christ. Then I began to reflect on all the people that were there, watching and listening. The men in my Dad's life that had known him in his "sinner" days and loved him dearly, but were here NOW for the Pastor's testimony of my Dad's "saved" days and the transformation that had taken place in his heart. I stood in awe at the events that took place and the people's lives that I do believe were truly touched by Dad's testimony, for in his death God did a mighty work of seed planting into the lives of these people. I do believe with everything in me, that a harvest will come and these men who may still be in their "sinner" days, will soon come to fulfill the rest of their lives in their "saved" days.

It's a remarkable thing to be able to grieve with hope, for without it, I'm not sure how I would have handled Dad's death. God is good and Dad's chains are gone, never to be bound again.

I may write more later as there are many more details I've left out, but for now, i think you get the point.

My kiddos December 2010

12/28/10 - Rachel's story

The past six weeks or so, our youngest daughter, Rachel, has been having some rather out-of-the-blue fears. She went to bed one night and asked me if it was supposed to rain. I assured her I didn’t think so, tucked her in and didn’t think anything about it. About twenty minutes later, she came into my room crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was afraid it was going to storm and that she was afraid of thunder and lightning. She had her arms tucked in near her body and her little fingers in her mouth like she was trying to hide from something.
Now, in the past, any time there has been a bad storm at night, she has on occasion, come into our room, but it has never been due to fear of the storm. She’s simply come in because she’s wakened from thunder or lightning and couldn’t go back to sleep. There have never been tears, though.
I assured her it wasn’t going to storm – she even asked me to go get online and check the weather. I did and showed her what it said and that it was supposed to be a clear night. When I tucked her into bed I pulled out her Bible and we read about Jesus calming the storm. I told her that Jesus didn’t want her living in fear and that He was always with us and there was nothing to be afraid of.
This series of events went on for a few nights and then finally subsided. However, we then began conversations in the car about being afraid of driving. She’s seven! She has a good 8 years before she is even eligible for a permit. She would ask me about driving and if it was scary. She’d ask me what I would do if it started raining and my windshield wipers didn’t work. She asked if I’d ever been in a car accident. She asked me if it was dangerous to drive in the rain. She asked all kinds of questions that just seemed random to me and they came almost every time we’d get into the car. None of my other two kids had gone through this phase and I was beginning to get concerned. Each time I would assure her that God didn’t want us living in fear, but rather living with trust in Him that He would take care of us. She would agree and move on . . . temporarily.
Then even stranger conversations began happening. She’d tell me her brain was telling her there wasn’t a God even though she knew there was. One night after being tucked into bed, I found her on the couch in her daddy’s lap with tears streaming down her face. I asked Dennis what was wrong and he just looked at me and shook his head – I knew to wait and he’d tell me later.
After he tucked her back in I asked what had happened. She told Dennis that she had said, “God” in her head and not in a good way. In other words, she had taken God’s name in vain in her head. She hadn’t said it, but she thought it and was concerned.
That night I went to bed mad. I realized that my daughter was under attack and by golly the devil better leave her alone or the wrath of Mama was going to seem worse than the wrath of God Himself! As I prayed for my little one, God clearly told me that the next time she brought up any of this – fear, bad thoughts, bad words, etc. that I was to talk to her about accepting Him as Lord and Savior. Rachel has believed in God forever. It’s the only way she’s been raised, so she knows no different, but even that wasn’t enough to stop the doubts and the fears coming to her tender, innocent mind. She need Jesus and she needed Him now!
Two days later as I was working on the computer Rachel approached me and asked me if I remembered the night she was sitting with her daddy on the couch crying. I told her I did. She recalled the events of the evening, the thoughts she’d had and why she had been crying. I told her that we aren’t always in control of the thoughts that go into our brains. The enemy can easily plant thoughts in our heads that are not true –if fact they are lies from the pit of hell. I told Rachel that the devil doesn’t want us to live for Jesus and go to heaven. He wants to hurt us and have us lost forever. I asked her if she knew what it meant to ask Jesus into her heart. She said no –although I’m sure she knew, just maybe not in that terminology. I asked her a few basic questions about whether or not she believed Jesus was born of Mary, died on the cross, and rose three days later. She answered yes to all of them. I asked her if she knew what sin was. She said she didn’t, but I explained that sin is the mistakes we make that go against what God teaches. I asked her if she had ever told a lie. She said yes and I let her know that lying is a sin. I asked her if she had ever said anything mean to another person. She said yes, and I told her that was a sin. I asked her if she had ever disobeyed me or her daddy. She smirked and said yes. So after a few examples of sin, I asked her if that made her a sinner. She said yes. With that simplistic explanation of sin and her belief that Jesus died on the cross to save people from their sin, we then said a simple prayer acknowledging her sin and the need for Jesus. She accepted His gift of salvation that afternoon and the angels in heaven rejoiced along with me and the rest of our family and friends!
I share that story to let you know that we have got to have our spiritual eyes and ears open. Those irrational fears and negative thoughts could easily have taken root in her life, but because God has a master plan in place, He used that awful, ugly fear to change a young girl’s heart and turn it toward Him. The enemy was after her, but what he meant for bad, My God turned around for eternal good. My entire immediate family is headed to heaven one day and that’s a glorious thing!

Book Signing

I posted on Facebook a couple days ago that I 'll be doing a couple of book signings at Scripture Haven in September. I'm pretty nervous, but as one lady reminded me, "Don't be nervous - you learned how to sign your name a looooooooooong time ago!" That comment made me literally laugh out loud all by myself in the computer room.

I had a long talk with the owner of Scripture Haven the other day - who happens to be a very kind and generous man. He is concerned that I will be disappointed if I don't sell a ton of books. Honestly, I probably will be disappointed if I don't sell very many books, but I continually remind myself, this is just one step in this process. This is more about my personal growth than selling books. God's asking me to stretch myself again and even if I don't sell a book, I will have been obedient to what God has asked me to do.

Those who know me, know I don't tend to fall on the social, outgoing side of the personality profile charts. I tend to be the quiet one in the corner analyzing people as they walk by - wishing I was more outgoing, fun-loving and free-spirited. Try as I may to grow and stretch myself, the "free-spirit" within me still hides fairly deep beneath this skin. All that said, the bottom line is, talking to strangers is hard for me to do. Shoot - sometimes even talking to my friends is hard for me to do! I tend to do more of the listening than the actual conversing!

Thankfully, my husband has pushed me just enough and God keeps kicking me gently in the butt just enough that I finally set the signings. We shall see what comes of it - even if what comes is strictly a personal growth experience. I'm stepping outside of my "box" once again - Lord, please hold my hand!