Punched in the Throat

Have you ever been punched in the throat before?  That happened to me last night -not literally, but it sure felt like it.  Pain, hard to breathe, a little sick to the stomach? 

I began (for the 2nd time) doing the Faithful, Abundant, True Bible study.  Kay Arthur was speaking last night on the book of Hebrews.  I have to admit, she's a little difficult for me to follow, but one scripture I've heard a thousand times jumped off the page at me and God punched me in the throat with it.  Hebrews 5:12 "By this time you ought to be teachers yourselves, yet here I find you need someone to sit down with you and go over the basics on God again, starting from square one -baby's milk, when you should have been on solid food long ago!  Milk is for beginners, inexperienced in God's ways; solid food is for the mature, who have some practice in telling right from wrong."

The part that hurt the most -"By this time you ought to be teachers yourselves. . . . "  Part of the dream in my heart is to teach.  I went to school to be a teacher -granted, an elementary school teacher, but teaching was in my heart at a very young age.  After having a not very pleasant experience in the public school system, I left that arena for other things.  I do NOT believe leaving the public school was a mistake, but I have wondered since then why God put it in my heart to get a teaching degree if I wasn't going to use it but for four years.  

A number of years ago, I felt like teaching was once again something I would like to do, but not in the schools.  I have a passion for people to be financially stable, sound, and prosperous.  I also have a passion for leadership -people taking full responsibility for themselves, their actions, and their future and helping bring others along with them in God's purpose and bettering themselves and others along the way.  The longer I live though, the further away I feel I have become from anything close to teaching or leading others.  

I feel like God showed me last night that, "By this time you (me) out to be teachers yourselves..." Great, it's my own dang fault I'm not where I want to be!  Time to kick it in, dig deeper, and learn to get on that solid food for myself.  Not from anyone else, but just me and God time.  I'm not good at that -it is definitely a weakness of mine.  I LOVE to read and devour books of finances, leadership, growth, etc.  I struggle though just sitting in the Word and chewing it on it for myself.  

Time to set the alarm a little earlier and do this thing!  

Who Do You Think You Are . . . .

The closer we got to school starting the more bummed I got.  You could call it border-line depressed I suppose.  The start of school will be exciting for Rebekah - she starts her freshman year in High School and I'm wondering how I got this old.  Rachel will head off to 4th grade -her final year in Elementary.  And again, I'm wondering how I got this old!  Caleb, well he'll be a teenager in a few weeks and starting his first year of junior high.  Two teenagers in the house?  Am I really old enough for that?!  But with him, I'm also wondering why . . . . . Why does he have to have learning challenges?  Why did public school just not work well for him?  Why does he have to struggle so much?  Why did God call me to home school him when He knows I don't want to? 

Call me whiny if you like.  I know there are a plethora of women who would love to stay  home and home school their children.  I actually was one of them before I ever had kids.  I had this dream of popping out kiddos and being the perfect mom, perfect wife, house clean, dinner on the table, 1950's era stay-at-home-diva who educated her children at home.  Well, after staying home for 2 years when Rebekah and Caleb were born, I quickly realized that staying at home was not really how God had wired me. I don't do well staying in one place for too long.  I'm even more social than I had realized.  I'm a terrible house keeper.  I'm way too moody a wife/mom, and although I can get dinner on the table, it's really only because I'm hungry; it's not about anyone else.  We went deeply into debt those two years I was home so I went back to work to try and help us dig out of our mess and regain some sanity.  

Well, here we are 11 years after going back to work, and I'm now working from home.  A fairly nice luxury because I can work in my pajamas with yesterday's makeup smudged on my face and no one cares.  This luxury though, has now brought on extra responsibility (or opportunity) -homeschooling my son.  

Caleb was one of those kids who was falling through the cracks of the public school system.  He was failing educationally and in a downward spiral emotionally and spiritually.  It was a difficult thing to watch happen.   After much discussion, prayer, tears, and arguing with God, I submit to the fact that Caleb needed me to teach him.  NOT in my plan.  

So, here we are, two weeks away from school starting and God has really jerked me up short the past month.  I'm still not in the best frame of mind, but it's getting better.  Let me show you why. . . 

July 2nd, 2013 at H2O - Ps. Lisa asks the question, "Do you know when God calls your name?" Thankfully, I can honestly answer, "yes."  She then went on to say, "We can never fully understand God, but I have to know Him well enough to know He has the best plan for me."   I certainly don't know what God is up to.  I feel so far away from what I feel He has for me in the future and each year I feel I grow further and further away.  It's often hard to trust that He does know what's best, but I'm trying.

July 7th, 2013 at Sun morning service- Kendra shares the scripture from Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous."  I didn't want to be courageous, and I feel weak in the home school category, but okay, God.  I'll try.  

July 14th & 21st at Sun morning service- Ps. John Morgan talks about the clash between our soul and our spirit.  There is definitely a clash going on inside me.  I struggle between knowing I am doing what God has asked and the fact that it sucks that Caleb even has learning challenges and the fact that I just don't want to do this.  Why does God ask us to do things we don't want to do?

July 28th at Sun morning service - Ps. Nathan talked about Zaccheus and how we need to come down from our "tree" of depending on our own skills and abilities.  Yes, I do tend to be stubbornly independent and I don't like to ask for help.  I do know, though that God will help me with home schooling if I would just ask.  

August 4th Sun morning video message - I completely missed the name of the man that spoke, but he talked about how there is value in our struggles; God's grace is all I need; give God my best and trust Him with the rest; when I focus on the struggle and challenges they will eat me alive. (yes, they will!) Keep on Rocking!  So I realized that there is value in Caleb's struggle and there is value in my struggle with not wanting to home school.  It's easy for me to see the value in my son's struggle (He will learn persistence, work ethic, tenacity . . . they can all increase in the struggle), but it's very difficult to back up and see what value there is in God asking me to do something I dislike.  I guess I'm building character.  Learning to be selfless, more giving, and more reliant on my Creator.  

August 6, 2013 at H2O - Jeanette Madkins - This Girl is on Fire!  I realized being in the fire doesn't have to be a bad thing.  God's fire is refining and purifying.  This struggle I'm in may be refining me and turning me more into who He needs me to become in order to fulfill my calling for Him.  He may be using the tool of Homeschooling to create the me He needs me to be.  Lord burn off of me what binds me and just like in cooking with alcohol, leave only that which is truly useful.  

August 6th -Bible reading at home - Job 38:1 "Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?  You do not know what you are talking about."  Well, geez God.  Could you be any more blunt than that?!  So, even though I don't want to home school, I shouldn't disagree because I don't know what I'm talking about?  Well, that was a tough one to digest.  I'm still not excited about home school, but Lord, I'm trying to quit arguing with you.  

August 11, 2013 Sun morning service - Ps. Danny - "stay focused on lifting up the purpose of Jesus"  Jesus came to serve.  Isn't that what I'm doing for Caleb - serving him?  I am partnering with God to help Him fulfill Caleb's life purpose.  Lord, help me hone in on Caleb's skills, gifts, and talents to help him become who You need him to be in order to fulfill his life purpose.  

I know this is long, but aside from the message God got through to me over the period of a month and a half through various people, there is a message to all of you too who are not planted in a church.  It took some time and a number of different teachings to get me to the place where I can quit whining.  I'm still struggling, but I'm done whining.  If I had missed any one of these teachings, not all of the dots may have been connected that I needed to be connected. 

Thank you God for talking to me and using every single one of these people to help reach me and bring me to a place of peace.  It's not a place of ease, but a place of peace.  Help me move forward with excellence and meet the need of my son.  In Jesus name . . . Amen!  
 

Man's Best Friend . . .

I was making breakfast the other morning and our dog, Bullet, assumed the position at my feet while I was scrambling some eggs.  This dog cracks me up.  The looks he gets on his face sometimes . . . That dog can give me some of the dirtiest looks! Sometimes I swear he's cussing me out, thinking I'm a simple-minded stupid human.  This time though, he had his cute brown puppy-dog eyes looking at me with excited anticipation with his little nubby tail wagging on the floor.  He was waiting for something good.  Something yummy.  Something way better than his dry dog food that he gets every morning and evening for meals.  I looked down at him and just laughed because he knows that I have something special for him.  And he knows, I'm going to give in and give him a bite. 

God spoke to me at that moment and asked me why I don't look to Him that way. . . . with excited anticipation about what He's going to do next in my life.  With hopeful wondering as to what my future holds in Him.  With joy knowing that He has good things in store for me -even better than the path I'm currently on. 

Interesting isn't it?  I am at a place right now where I ask God often when I'll get out of my slump.  When can I do something new?  Why does it have to be so hard?  Do you see I'm miserable?  How long do I have to struggle before the next phase?  Why is it, I can't be more like my dog?  Why don't I look to God as man's best friend, like my dog looks to me? 

See, my dog knows I'm not going to give him anything bad.  It's always good.  Even if it's just a bowl of dog food . . . it's still good for him.  But the occassional taste of meat or a slice of banana or strawberry (he loves fruit!), that's even better and my dog knows I won't give him anything bad.  He doesn't get discouraged when he "only" gets dog food.  He is excited about that too!  But the look in his eye, when he knows there's something better coming, that's the look I want when I look to God in my moments of wondering why and when. 

I'm not there yet.  But God has shown me that I need to work on getting there.  He only has good things in store for me, I just have to trust with joy, knowing that He's my best friend and He won't do me wrong. 

Hip Hoppin'

My sweet little Hip-hopper, Rachel         .

Political Madness

Have you ever just sat back, looked around at the world and wondered if everyone has just gone mad?  I did that today and then I got mad. 

I am not going to pretend I am a political genius because I honestly know very little about politics.  But I do know I am passionate about the country I live in  -what it stands for and on Whom and what principles it was founded.  It is beyond my comprehension that people who call themselves Christians (myself included) can be so far polar opposite on views when it comes to politics.  I have a friend who loves Jesus, but we do not see eye to eye on politics and I don't understand why.  My thought is, if we would all do what Jesus would do and follow his principles, wouldn't our political ideologies be fairly similar?  Yet, they aren't and I don't get it. 

I saw a post today from Mike Huckabee regarding the liberal (democratic platform) stance on abortion and a woman having the freedom of choice and yet, that same platform wanting to control gun laws/ownership/rights/2nd ammendment freedoms in order to keep people safe.  They are worried about keeping people "safe" but aren't worried about the value of the lives of the unborn.  Either we value all life or we don't.  According to the post, 2700 babies are killed each day from abortions and this liberal stance is okay.  But, having the constitutional right to bear arms to protect our children and our families from bad people and the tyranny of government is not okay. It doesn't make sense.  The lack of logic amazes me and it is quite surreal.

As a Christian, I cannot comprehend how people who are born again, blood-bought believers can vote for a leader who does not value life and does not value our biblically founded Constitution. 

As the government grows and spending/debt grows, I think that gets America farther and farther away from what Christ would want for our country.  Debt is not viewed as a positive thing biblically.  We are supposed to be good stewards of our money and I don't think that government funded abortions, forcing people to pay taxes that go to feed those who don't work (and make a lifestyle out of it), pay for their medical blls, welfare, etc. is what America is about or is even biblical.  Should we help the poor?  Yes, as Christians, as a church, as humans, but it is NOT the government's job to take care of us.  .   .  any of us!  It never has been.  The government's job is to protect the country and represent the people. Our government isn't serving anyone but themselves -that is obvious when they forced Obamacare on us but exempt themselves.  Sickening.  That would be like a Christian sharing the good news of Jesus Christ telling people they need to accept his salvation in order to go to heaven, but then they personally didn't have to accept Christ because they were above that.  Double standards are not what Christ is about and I imagine our founding fathers would be rolling in their graves if they realized that is now what this country is about and what our government has come to. 

I love the idea of changing our tax codes to be similiar to a tithe principle.  That's a biblical principle that makes it fair for everyone, no matter what their economic status is.  It's the same percentage of sacrifice.  Ten percent may not be an appropriate number for a tax,  but if we applied this standard we'd solve the complexity of the tax codes, close loopholes, and add in another pnciple that I think God would like and honor.  Yet, there are Christians that feel the wealthy should pay their "fair share".  I don't see anywhere in the Bible that God asks the wealthy to pay a larger tithe than those that are poor.  God tells us in the bible that the poor will always be with us.  So, I'm pretty sure redistribution of wealth is not going to get rid of the poor.  Neither will capitalism.  But if nothing we do is ever going to completely get rid of the poor -often because of their own personal choices, why don't we do what works best for the most people.  That is true capitalism and as we have fallen farther and farther away from that, we are seeing more and more people on welfare and food stamps than ever before.  I don't think that's anything we should be proud of. 

Again, Christians have such polar opposite views on these political topics and I just don't get it.  If we would all focus more on what the purpose of the Constitution is and what it is not along with opening our bibles and applying God's principles to our government we will all be a whole lot better off.  We can then be that shining city on a hill America was called to be.  I fear our light is fading as we turn away from what and Who we know is true.   

Lord, help us and heal our land . . . . .

Adventures in Homeschooling

Well, after about 2 years of on and off discussions about whether or not we should homeschool our son, Caleb, we have bit the bullet and decided to do it.  A bit of history - Caleb has always been slower on the developmental side.  (Aside  from the fact that he smiled at me quite early!  Nay-sayers can tell me it was probably just gas, but it wasn't.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Anyway -he was later to walk than the girls, when he began talking it was with a stutter (cute at first, but not so much when you worry about starting kindergarten and having kids make fun of your kiddo), he has struggled with dyslexic challenges from his very beginning preschool reading attempts.  His pre-k teacher told me to keep an eye on it, which I did.  His kindergarten teacher said the same thing.  So, when Caleb entered 1st grade, I asked his teacher to have him tested for dyslexia.  She assured me he was too young to test and that the state of Texas required testing to wait until 2nd semester of the 1st grade year.  I said that would be fine -I'm a rule follower, so waiting wasn't a big deal.  So, 2nd semester came around and I pushed again for testing.  The teacher wouldn't agree to it because she said there weren't enough signs or symptions and she didn't think it was necessary.  Deep down, I disagreed with her, but was hopeful that Caleb was growing out of this and maybe he really did not have dyslexia. 

Over the summer, Caleb attended a summer camp and one of the things he did was design a postcard.  As he wrote on this postcard, he did the entire postcard backwards.  The stamp was on the left, return address on the right AND backwards.  I could hold that postcard in the mirror and read it perfectly.  I held on to that little gem and took it to his second grade teacher and showed it to her at the initial, 1st six weeks parent/teacher conference.  I believe I reminded her that Caleb was the oldest in his class because he has a September birthday, let her know I'd been trying to get this testing done for a year, and that last year's teacher hadn't seen enough consistency with challenges in Caleb's reading/writing to warrant the testing.  I assured her we had a problem and I wanted him to get help. 

Even after all of that, testing for Caleb didn't happen until the final six weeks of his 2nd grade year.  It is a long, frustrating story and I'll spare you the details, but the bottom line is, Caleb didn't get help until his 3rd grade year of school.  I don't know if earlier diagnosis would have helped or not.  I can't dwell on that now because it doesn't matter. It is what it is. 

This year, Caleb is in 6th grade, and rapidly falling behind.  He is getting pushed through a system that isn't working for his learning style.  He was getting the lessons in class then being sent to a content mastery room where he was getting help with his classwork.  He'd make A's and B's on classwork -because he was getting help.  Caleb was failing almost every test he'd take in every subject.  His teachers would send the test home, allow him to correct it, and then give him a 75 on it.  So, his test grade average was a C or better.  His report cards looked good, but he wasn't learning and I knew deep down that this was about to be a train wreck if we didn't intervene. 

So, here I am trying to figure out a way to teach my son in the way God designed him to learn, figure out how to help him cope with the dyslexia, and get him caught up and on grade level (he's about 2 years behind -hmmmmm, the amount of time he missed getting intervention in the public school) all while working for Batteries Plus from home. 

It's been an interesting first week.  Caleb has had a couple of meltdowns, but he's moved on.  He's working hard and I'm very proud of him.  This afternoon he and another homeschool friend are going to make a volcano.  He is totally stoked about that! 

I am praying God gives me wisdom in how to teach my son.  My daughters are doing well in public school (other than Rachel's jealousy about Caleb being home and finishing his work before her) so they remain there unless I'm shown they need to do something else. 

I'm glad it's Friday -time to make sure next week's lessons are in order!

Downloading . . . .

We had to roll the clocks back 1 hour last night, so here it is 6 in the morning and my body thinks it's really 7.  The house is quiet and my brain is reflecting on the past week and a lot has happened and it's been pretty emotional.

Last weekend was the JDRF Gulfcoast chapter's walk for a cure.  Our family participated for the first time ever and it was FREEZING!  Rachel was trying hard to control her tears because she was so miserable.  I kept telling her to remember we were there to support Caleb and there was to be no complaining.  (I was actually reminding myself of this as well!) She never complained, only asked me to hold her to keep her warm as little tears rolled down those freckled cheeks.  It can make for a long walk when you are trying to carry an almost 9 year old -glad she's petite!

There were TONS of people there, including our endocrinologist and his wife (our favorite nurse), Kelley.  We walked and drank Coke Zeros and snacked on bananas while trying to warm up.  The kids got their faces painted and got free tattoos -the sticker ones of course.  We were complimented multiple times on our team t-shirts that nurse Kelley created.  VIVA LA INSULINA!

After it was over and we were heading back to the car, Caleb walked up next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist and said, "thank you for bringing me to this."  My heart melted and tears welled up in my eyes.  I wasn't sure if Caleb even really understood why were there or what we were doing.  He knew we were going to walk around and it had something to do with diabetes, but I wasn't sure he fully grasped why we were there and what we were doing.  He did and it touched my heart.  I cried because he fully understood.  And I cried because I wished he didn't have to fully understand because Diabetes sucks.  All in all, it was a good Saturday -emotional, but good. 

Sunday evening as I was about to shut down my computer and head to bed, I received a private FB message from my dear friend Lisa.  She had found lump in her right breast and was scheduled for a biopsy in the morning.  My heart sank.  The doctor told her there was a slight chance it wasn't cancer.  Not a very encouraging report.  Sure, we believe God's report.  Yes, we know He stopped at the whipping post for our healing before he headed to the cross.  But there are no guarantees that we won't have to walk through some stuff before we get that healing.  Thursday evening, we found out it is cancer.  Cancer sucks, but it sucks even more when it shows up in someone you love.  Once again, tears welled up in my eyes.  Why?!?!? was all I could think.  LIsa is one of the most giving people I have ever met.  She's humble and quiet about her gifts, but they are overflowingly generous and she didn't deserve this battle.  No one "deserves" the battle of cancer, but she really didn't deserve this battle.  Know what I mean?

Now I'm mad.  Breast cancer has attacked our Pastor's wife 3 times and she's still walking out the 3rd battle.  Our church lost a precious lady to breast cancer just 2 weeks ago and who knows how many other women within our church walls (and outside too) are facing this tough battle.  The enemy is on the prowl and I'm tired of it! 

Friday and Saturday was our annual women's conference at church.  Lisa was the leader on this project and handed the torch to some wonderful women who completely fulfilled Lisa's vision so Lisa could go be with her entire family and just spend time together before the fight begins.  As I was sitting Friday night, being refreshed by a wonderful speaker, I received a text from another friend of mine who I noticed wasn't at the conference.  She and her daughter were headed to Scott and White in Temple -Faith's blood sugar was over 500 and she wasn't doing well.  My heart sank.  Now I'm not just angry, I'm pissed! 

I know all too well what that high blood sugar number means.  When Caleb was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes almost two years ago it wasn't like the doctor said, "Well, his blood sugar is over 600 so it could be this or this or this."  It was, "I'm sorry, Caleb has Type 1 Diabetes."  There was no ambiguity or thoughts of what else might cause his blood sugar to be that high.  His pancreas simply stopped working for whatever reason and now it was time for some insulin shots -forever barring a miracle.  (Which, we are believing for!) 

At this time, sweet Faith is still in the hospital with hopes of getting released on Monday.  Her mom text me and was encouraged because she had seen our family walk through Caleb's diabetes together.  Very humbling because we often feel we are muddling our way through.  Muddle as we may, we do it together.  Our family did make a consious choice to rally around Caleb and support him with an entirely new diet (gluten free - because gluten is bad for anyone with an autoimmune disease) and mostly grain free as well.  Caleb is completely grain free except for special occassions like a birthday party as it helps us control his blood sugar better.  It's still a roller coaster, but not near the roller coaster it was when he was eating rice and pasta and bread. 

It's tough - Rebekah was teased at school the other day about her lunch.  Seriously?!?!  If you feel the need to pick on someone because of their lunch, you have a sorry existence.  I told Rebekah to tell that girl to shut her pie hole. . . . . I have no patience for ignorance!  Not very Christlike maybe, but then again, Jesus had no patience for ignorance either.  I'm pretty sure He threw some temple tables!  Maybe it's time I go throw some lunch tables!

It's expensive - When you eat hamburgers and hot dogs with no $1 per package buns, you can eat more meat and vegetables and fruit because the bread isn't there to fill you up.  When everyone is eating more healthy, gluten free foods and less cheap mac & cheese, your food bill will skyrocket.  When God really convicted me to lead my family down this mostly Paleo diet and gluten free always meals, I told Him that He was going to have to figure out how we were going to pay for it, because our budget just wasn't going to work with about a $400 per month increase.  He honored that request.  I don't know how we make it each month, but we do.  God honored that becuase it's what He wants us to do. 

The whole diabetes road is emotional.  From blood sugar highs to blood sugar lows and then the weeks where things are almost perfect and you are praying it's because God is healing that pancreas and it's working -even if it's just a little bit. 

Our family is standing with Faith and with Caleb.  We have believed from day 1 that Caleb would be healed from this disease.  We are believing that for Faith as well.  My heart is sad for Faith that she has to walk this road, like it was sad for Caleb.  But I know, our God is greater, our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other.  Our God is healer.  Awesome in power.  Our God!!

So, to Pastor Janet, Pastor Lisa, Caleb, and Faith and all the other warriors walking through their battle I salute you.  I am praying for you.  Remember, the enemy has been defeated!