Yes, I'm long overdue for a post and with the things God has been showing me over the last few months, apparently I'm long overdue on some mental overhauling!
Ever since I had children, I honestly felt like I was the only one in our family making sacrifices. I gave up my favorite hobby - bowling, which I happened to be very good at. I gave up working (albeit, only for 2 years), but I gave it up. With that came, being alone all day with small children, no socialization, and NO money to go get out and do things. I gave up the vehicle I loved for one that was less expensive. As we worked to build our business, I gave up going to meetings so we could save money on childcare, I recently gave up a job I loved to support my husband. I, I, I, I, I . . . .
Because I felt like I was always the one giving things up, I also felt I was handing over my need to be needed. We all have a need to feel significant, important, and needed. Of course, my kids needed me, but I didn't feel like I was making a big contribuition to society. I knew I was important to my kids, but I didn't realize how vitally critical that was. God gave them to me to raise - they are really only mine to borrow for a short while and I was screwing up big time! Children are a gift from God and I knew that in my head, but I didn't get it deep down inside where it really counts.
I sound so selfish - and I am - was - - - well, I'm working on "was". God has really shown me over the last few months how truly selfish I am. I never thought of myself as a selfish person, but my inner heart has shown through over the years in ways that masked as depression and anger - all from the root of selfishness. In the current book I'm reading, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith, it makes the comment that often God uses the mundane things in our lives to help teach us things. I never looked at it that way, but I can see it so clearly now. My depression and anger probably wouldn't have lasted as long if I had seen the silver lining in the gray cloud that constantly hung over me. Ah, but the light is now beginning to creep out! My struggle isn't over, I'm trying to find the proper balance between being selfless, yet still taking the time to take care of and occassionally pamper myself.
I'm sure many of you mom's have felt at least some of this battle. If not, I truly honor you. God is taking me on a journey to learn to honor Him in the mundane, so I can move on to different things. And if this is where He wants me, I am learning to be OK with right where I am. I strive to grow and learn and become a better person, a better mom, a better friend, a better wife, a better leader, but most of all I am striving to learn the lesson of selflessness right here where I am.
God, my heart is to honor you in everything I do whether it be laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, helping my husband, or doing homework with my kids. I realize that there is no insignificant task you have called us to do. The tasks may be different for different people, but I'm grateful for the opportunity to honor you by serving my family - as I feel they are the best family on the planet!
In Jesus' name, Amen!
