Isn't a flounder the kind of fish that lays on the bottom and has eyes only on one side of their face. That's kind of what I feel like! Eight months ago when I took a flying leap of faith to help my wonderful husband start his business, it was as if I was free falling and didn't know where I'd land. Now I feel like I've hit the bottom and am floundering around in the wet sand - and can only see in one direction rather than the panoramic view I'm used to. Don't get me wrong, it is an amazing feeling knowing that I am helping Dennis fulfill his lifelong dream. It is so much fun watching him get excited over new sales leads and record days for the store - I know this business isn't just for him. . . he is building his family's future and the Kingdom of God.
That said, I struggle with my own purpose and my own dreams. I don't really even know what they are at this point - hence the flounder analogy. God keeps reminding me of the movie "Facing the Giants" when Grant Taylor asks his wife if she will still love God if He never gives them children. That was her dream - and he point blank asked her if she would still love Father God if she never sees her dreams fulfilled. That's kind of how I feel. I keep telling myself and God that if I work for Dennis the rest of my life, I will still love God. Batteries are not my dream - Dennis knows that and God knows that. But, I don't even know what my dream is.
In a post late last year I spoke of the new position at church that I was doing - - - and I absolutely love it! There's something inside me that lights on fire when I'm leading the team to new territory. It's scary, but it fits. That, however, isn't my daily focus. Maybe that's the challenge I'm trying to overcome right now. My daily focus doesn't seem to fit, but the "sideline routine" does.
I feel my job right now is to be Armor Bearer to Dennis. A new task that I am learning - I've been that for a friend, but God is showing me how I haven't ever really been that for Dennis. . . and in reality, I should be that for him first and foremost.
That said, I still feel like God has a different main plan and purpose for me. I just don't know what it is. Maybe the "sideline routine" will turn into more than that. Maybe it won't. That's a scary and frustrating place to be. But I know that no matter what, I will still love God. He sees me here floundering on the ocean floor and He isn't surprised by what is happening. My prayer is that I quickly learn what I am supposed to learn in this portion of my journey here on Earth, so that I may move forward in His plan and purpose. . . whatever that may be.
