Friday, December 31, 2010
12/28/10 - Rachel's story
The past six weeks or so, our youngest daughter, Rachel, has been having some rather out-of-the-blue fears. She went to bed one night and asked me if it was supposed to rain. I assured her I didn’t think so, tucked her in and didn’t think anything about it. About twenty minutes later, she came into my room crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she was afraid it was going to storm and that she was afraid of thunder and lightning. She had her arms tucked in near her body and her little fingers in her mouth like she was trying to hide from something.
Now, in the past, any time there has been a bad storm at night, she has on occasion, come into our room, but it has never been due to fear of the storm. She’s simply come in because she’s wakened from thunder or lightning and couldn’t go back to sleep. There have never been tears, though.
I assured her it wasn’t going to storm – she even asked me to go get online and check the weather. I did and showed her what it said and that it was supposed to be a clear night. When I tucked her into bed I pulled out her Bible and we read about Jesus calming the storm. I told her that Jesus didn’t want her living in fear and that He was always with us and there was nothing to be afraid of.
This series of events went on for a few nights and then finally subsided. However, we then began conversations in the car about being afraid of driving. She’s seven! She has a good 8 years before she is even eligible for a permit. She would ask me about driving and if it was scary. She’d ask me what I would do if it started raining and my windshield wipers didn’t work. She asked if I’d ever been in a car accident. She asked me if it was dangerous to drive in the rain. She asked all kinds of questions that just seemed random to me and they came almost every time we’d get into the car. None of my other two kids had gone through this phase and I was beginning to get concerned. Each time I would assure her that God didn’t want us living in fear, but rather living with trust in Him that He would take care of us. She would agree and move on . . . temporarily.
Then even stranger conversations began happening. She’d tell me her brain was telling her there wasn’t a God even though she knew there was. One night after being tucked into bed, I found her on the couch in her daddy’s lap with tears streaming down her face. I asked Dennis what was wrong and he just looked at me and shook his head – I knew to wait and he’d tell me later.
After he tucked her back in I asked what had happened. She told Dennis that she had said, “God” in her head and not in a good way. In other words, she had taken God’s name in vain in her head. She hadn’t said it, but she thought it and was concerned.
That night I went to bed mad. I realized that my daughter was under attack and by golly the devil better leave her alone or the wrath of Mama was going to seem worse than the wrath of God Himself! As I prayed for my little one, God clearly told me that the next time she brought up any of this – fear, bad thoughts, bad words, etc. that I was to talk to her about accepting Him as Lord and Savior. Rachel has believed in God forever. It’s the only way she’s been raised, so she knows no different, but even that wasn’t enough to stop the doubts and the fears coming to her tender, innocent mind. She need Jesus and she needed Him now!
Two days later as I was working on the computer Rachel approached me and asked me if I remembered the night she was sitting with her daddy on the couch crying. I told her I did. She recalled the events of the evening, the thoughts she’d had and why she had been crying. I told her that we aren’t always in control of the thoughts that go into our brains. The enemy can easily plant thoughts in our heads that are not true –if fact they are lies from the pit of hell. I told Rachel that the devil doesn’t want us to live for Jesus and go to heaven. He wants to hurt us and have us lost forever. I asked her if she knew what it meant to ask Jesus into her heart. She said no –although I’m sure she knew, just maybe not in that terminology. I asked her a few basic questions about whether or not she believed Jesus was born of Mary, died on the cross, and rose three days later. She answered yes to all of them. I asked her if she knew what sin was. She said she didn’t, but I explained that sin is the mistakes we make that go against what God teaches. I asked her if she had ever told a lie. She said yes and I let her know that lying is a sin. I asked her if she had ever said anything mean to another person. She said yes, and I told her that was a sin. I asked her if she had ever disobeyed me or her daddy. She smirked and said yes. So after a few examples of sin, I asked her if that made her a sinner. She said yes. With that simplistic explanation of sin and her belief that Jesus died on the cross to save people from their sin, we then said a simple prayer acknowledging her sin and the need for Jesus. She accepted His gift of salvation that afternoon and the angels in heaven rejoiced along with me and the rest of our family and friends!
I share that story to let you know that we have got to have our spiritual eyes and ears open. Those irrational fears and negative thoughts could easily have taken root in her life, but because God has a master plan in place, He used that awful, ugly fear to change a young girl’s heart and turn it toward Him. The enemy was after her, but what he meant for bad, My God turned around for eternal good. My entire immediate family is headed to heaven one day and that’s a glorious thing!
Now, in the past, any time there has been a bad storm at night, she has on occasion, come into our room, but it has never been due to fear of the storm. She’s simply come in because she’s wakened from thunder or lightning and couldn’t go back to sleep. There have never been tears, though.
I assured her it wasn’t going to storm – she even asked me to go get online and check the weather. I did and showed her what it said and that it was supposed to be a clear night. When I tucked her into bed I pulled out her Bible and we read about Jesus calming the storm. I told her that Jesus didn’t want her living in fear and that He was always with us and there was nothing to be afraid of.
This series of events went on for a few nights and then finally subsided. However, we then began conversations in the car about being afraid of driving. She’s seven! She has a good 8 years before she is even eligible for a permit. She would ask me about driving and if it was scary. She’d ask me what I would do if it started raining and my windshield wipers didn’t work. She asked if I’d ever been in a car accident. She asked me if it was dangerous to drive in the rain. She asked all kinds of questions that just seemed random to me and they came almost every time we’d get into the car. None of my other two kids had gone through this phase and I was beginning to get concerned. Each time I would assure her that God didn’t want us living in fear, but rather living with trust in Him that He would take care of us. She would agree and move on . . . temporarily.
Then even stranger conversations began happening. She’d tell me her brain was telling her there wasn’t a God even though she knew there was. One night after being tucked into bed, I found her on the couch in her daddy’s lap with tears streaming down her face. I asked Dennis what was wrong and he just looked at me and shook his head – I knew to wait and he’d tell me later.
After he tucked her back in I asked what had happened. She told Dennis that she had said, “God” in her head and not in a good way. In other words, she had taken God’s name in vain in her head. She hadn’t said it, but she thought it and was concerned.
That night I went to bed mad. I realized that my daughter was under attack and by golly the devil better leave her alone or the wrath of Mama was going to seem worse than the wrath of God Himself! As I prayed for my little one, God clearly told me that the next time she brought up any of this – fear, bad thoughts, bad words, etc. that I was to talk to her about accepting Him as Lord and Savior. Rachel has believed in God forever. It’s the only way she’s been raised, so she knows no different, but even that wasn’t enough to stop the doubts and the fears coming to her tender, innocent mind. She need Jesus and she needed Him now!
Two days later as I was working on the computer Rachel approached me and asked me if I remembered the night she was sitting with her daddy on the couch crying. I told her I did. She recalled the events of the evening, the thoughts she’d had and why she had been crying. I told her that we aren’t always in control of the thoughts that go into our brains. The enemy can easily plant thoughts in our heads that are not true –if fact they are lies from the pit of hell. I told Rachel that the devil doesn’t want us to live for Jesus and go to heaven. He wants to hurt us and have us lost forever. I asked her if she knew what it meant to ask Jesus into her heart. She said no –although I’m sure she knew, just maybe not in that terminology. I asked her a few basic questions about whether or not she believed Jesus was born of Mary, died on the cross, and rose three days later. She answered yes to all of them. I asked her if she knew what sin was. She said she didn’t, but I explained that sin is the mistakes we make that go against what God teaches. I asked her if she had ever told a lie. She said yes and I let her know that lying is a sin. I asked her if she had ever said anything mean to another person. She said yes, and I told her that was a sin. I asked her if she had ever disobeyed me or her daddy. She smirked and said yes. So after a few examples of sin, I asked her if that made her a sinner. She said yes. With that simplistic explanation of sin and her belief that Jesus died on the cross to save people from their sin, we then said a simple prayer acknowledging her sin and the need for Jesus. She accepted His gift of salvation that afternoon and the angels in heaven rejoiced along with me and the rest of our family and friends!
I share that story to let you know that we have got to have our spiritual eyes and ears open. Those irrational fears and negative thoughts could easily have taken root in her life, but because God has a master plan in place, He used that awful, ugly fear to change a young girl’s heart and turn it toward Him. The enemy was after her, but what he meant for bad, My God turned around for eternal good. My entire immediate family is headed to heaven one day and that’s a glorious thing!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Book Signing
I posted on Facebook a couple days ago that I 'll be doing a couple of book signings at Scripture Haven in September. I'm pretty nervous, but as one lady reminded me, "Don't be nervous - you learned how to sign your name a looooooooooong time ago!" That comment made me literally laugh out loud all by myself in the computer room.
I had a long talk with the owner of Scripture Haven the other day - who happens to be a very kind and generous man. He is concerned that I will be disappointed if I don't sell a ton of books. Honestly, I probably will be disappointed if I don't sell very many books, but I continually remind myself, this is just one step in this process. This is more about my personal growth than selling books. God's asking me to stretch myself again and even if I don't sell a book, I will have been obedient to what God has asked me to do.
Those who know me, know I don't tend to fall on the social, outgoing side of the personality profile charts. I tend to be the quiet one in the corner analyzing people as they walk by - wishing I was more outgoing, fun-loving and free-spirited. Try as I may to grow and stretch myself, the "free-spirit" within me still hides fairly deep beneath this skin. All that said, the bottom line is, talking to strangers is hard for me to do. Shoot - sometimes even talking to my friends is hard for me to do! I tend to do more of the listening than the actual conversing!
Thankfully, my husband has pushed me just enough and God keeps kicking me gently in the butt just enough that I finally set the signings. We shall see what comes of it - even if what comes is strictly a personal growth experience. I'm stepping outside of my "box" once again - Lord, please hold my hand!
I had a long talk with the owner of Scripture Haven the other day - who happens to be a very kind and generous man. He is concerned that I will be disappointed if I don't sell a ton of books. Honestly, I probably will be disappointed if I don't sell very many books, but I continually remind myself, this is just one step in this process. This is more about my personal growth than selling books. God's asking me to stretch myself again and even if I don't sell a book, I will have been obedient to what God has asked me to do.
Those who know me, know I don't tend to fall on the social, outgoing side of the personality profile charts. I tend to be the quiet one in the corner analyzing people as they walk by - wishing I was more outgoing, fun-loving and free-spirited. Try as I may to grow and stretch myself, the "free-spirit" within me still hides fairly deep beneath this skin. All that said, the bottom line is, talking to strangers is hard for me to do. Shoot - sometimes even talking to my friends is hard for me to do! I tend to do more of the listening than the actual conversing!
Thankfully, my husband has pushed me just enough and God keeps kicking me gently in the butt just enough that I finally set the signings. We shall see what comes of it - even if what comes is strictly a personal growth experience. I'm stepping outside of my "box" once again - Lord, please hold my hand!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Hard Lesson Learned
My beautiful daughter, Rebekah has walked through a hard lesson regarding people. To be exact, she is realizing someone she loves very much is not the person she thought she was. That's a difficult spot to be in as an adult, let alone at age 11.
I must say, though, I am very proud of her for the way she has handled most of the situations she's run in to the past 3 weeks with this loved one. She's acted pretty mature for the most part and sought guidance from me when she didn't know what to do. Can I just say, how I love that she comes to me for advice! Some kids think their parents are dumb and don't know anything, but the older she gets, the more she talks to me and I absolutley CHERISH that! I talked to my mom a little bit, but not like she talks to me. It really is quite an honor. :)
I don't want to give details because they really don't matter and I don't want to talk ugly about this person. I am praying for the person that has hurt Rebekah so deeply - we love her and nothing can change that. What has changed though is the level of trust and the dynamic of the relationship. I always tell Rebekah that, "hurting people, hurt people." It breaks my heart to know that Rebekah had to walk through this. I probably could have protected her if I had really tried, but she and I have talked and she knows she had to walk through this or she wouldn't have ever understood why we were protecting her if we had chosen to take that route.
It's hard to watch your kids learn hard lessons - especially when it isn't something they have done wrong. This was a character builder for her and I am believing God will use this experience to help her be a stronger, more compassionate woman of God. She's already pretty incredible in my book, but God has great things for her and I truly believe she had to travel this road to learn to walk a little more like Christ would walk. I am proud of her for her strength on this journey.
I love you, my Rebekah Dawn!
I must say, though, I am very proud of her for the way she has handled most of the situations she's run in to the past 3 weeks with this loved one. She's acted pretty mature for the most part and sought guidance from me when she didn't know what to do. Can I just say, how I love that she comes to me for advice! Some kids think their parents are dumb and don't know anything, but the older she gets, the more she talks to me and I absolutley CHERISH that! I talked to my mom a little bit, but not like she talks to me. It really is quite an honor. :)
I don't want to give details because they really don't matter and I don't want to talk ugly about this person. I am praying for the person that has hurt Rebekah so deeply - we love her and nothing can change that. What has changed though is the level of trust and the dynamic of the relationship. I always tell Rebekah that, "hurting people, hurt people." It breaks my heart to know that Rebekah had to walk through this. I probably could have protected her if I had really tried, but she and I have talked and she knows she had to walk through this or she wouldn't have ever understood why we were protecting her if we had chosen to take that route.
It's hard to watch your kids learn hard lessons - especially when it isn't something they have done wrong. This was a character builder for her and I am believing God will use this experience to help her be a stronger, more compassionate woman of God. She's already pretty incredible in my book, but God has great things for her and I truly believe she had to travel this road to learn to walk a little more like Christ would walk. I am proud of her for her strength on this journey.
I love you, my Rebekah Dawn!
Friday, July 2, 2010
Faith Challenge
Some background: It's been on my heart to write a book about finding God in challenging situations. Back in March or April, a friend of mine who lost her 8 year old daughter 9 years ago, mentioned in front of me wanting to put her daughter's story in book form. I later offered to help her with that if she wanted it. She's taken me up on the offer which is exciting!
However, now I am truly having some faith challenges. I am currently putting the journal of events that lead up to this precious girl's death into a Word Document. As I read the faith filled, enthusiastic, life giving journal, I struggle with the fact that I already know how the story ends. It isn't a happy ending, yet through all the circumstances this family found and saw God the entire journey.
I knew this family. I loved her daughter. Our youngest has taken her name for her middle name to give honor to this family and their precious little girl. If God had chosen to heal her, she would have just turned 17. Almost an imaginable thought to picture her as a 17 year old young woman.
God - I am asking for your strength, wisdom, and insight on how to put this manuscript together. The ultimate goal is to glorify you and anything less would be counterproductiive to the goal that has been set. Give her mom and I strength and courage to face the hard things and still find Your miracle working, Sovereign, Loving presence in this writing. Let Your light and love shine all over the pages of this project and let it touch the hearts of those who also have loved and lost. In Jesus name, Amen!
However, now I am truly having some faith challenges. I am currently putting the journal of events that lead up to this precious girl's death into a Word Document. As I read the faith filled, enthusiastic, life giving journal, I struggle with the fact that I already know how the story ends. It isn't a happy ending, yet through all the circumstances this family found and saw God the entire journey.
I knew this family. I loved her daughter. Our youngest has taken her name for her middle name to give honor to this family and their precious little girl. If God had chosen to heal her, she would have just turned 17. Almost an imaginable thought to picture her as a 17 year old young woman.
God - I am asking for your strength, wisdom, and insight on how to put this manuscript together. The ultimate goal is to glorify you and anything less would be counterproductiive to the goal that has been set. Give her mom and I strength and courage to face the hard things and still find Your miracle working, Sovereign, Loving presence in this writing. Let Your light and love shine all over the pages of this project and let it touch the hearts of those who also have loved and lost. In Jesus name, Amen!
Monday, March 29, 2010
USC - 12 Covenants
I love this! These are the 12 Covenants that the USC football team commits to if they want to play football. I shared them last night and applied them to serving in the church. Thought I'd share:
1. We will accomplish what we do together. We share our success and we never let any one of us fail alone.
2. we are fully grown adults. We will act as such, and expect the same from the people around us.
3. We will not keep secrets. Information that affects us all will be shared by all of us and we will quickly and openly work to separate fact from fiction.
4. We will not lie to ourselves or to each other. None of us will tolerate any of us doing so. We will depend on each other for the truth.
5. We will keep our word. We will say what we mean and do what we say. We trust the word of others to be good as well.
6. We will keep our head. We will not panic in the face of tough times. We will always choose to roll up our sleeves rather than wring our hands.
7. We will develop our abilities and take pride in them. We will set our own standards higher than our most challenging opponent and we will please our fans by pleasing ourselves.
8. We will treat our locker room (church facility) like home and our teammates like friends. We spend too much time together to allow things to go bad.
9. We will be unselfish and expect that everyone else will exhibit this same quality. We will care about each other without expectations.
10. We will look out for each other. We truly believe that we are our brother's keeper.
11. We are students at USC (members of CFC), and as such we will strive to graduate(strive for excellence). We take pride in our grade point average (level of excellence) and expect our teammates to do the same.
12. Losing cannot and will not be tolerated in anything we do. There is no excuse for losing a football game at USC. (There is no excuse for losing or giving in to a battle against the enemy! Souls are at stake!)
1. We will accomplish what we do together. We share our success and we never let any one of us fail alone.
2. we are fully grown adults. We will act as such, and expect the same from the people around us.
3. We will not keep secrets. Information that affects us all will be shared by all of us and we will quickly and openly work to separate fact from fiction.
4. We will not lie to ourselves or to each other. None of us will tolerate any of us doing so. We will depend on each other for the truth.
5. We will keep our word. We will say what we mean and do what we say. We trust the word of others to be good as well.
6. We will keep our head. We will not panic in the face of tough times. We will always choose to roll up our sleeves rather than wring our hands.
7. We will develop our abilities and take pride in them. We will set our own standards higher than our most challenging opponent and we will please our fans by pleasing ourselves.
8. We will treat our locker room (church facility) like home and our teammates like friends. We spend too much time together to allow things to go bad.
9. We will be unselfish and expect that everyone else will exhibit this same quality. We will care about each other without expectations.
10. We will look out for each other. We truly believe that we are our brother's keeper.
11. We are students at USC (members of CFC), and as such we will strive to graduate(strive for excellence). We take pride in our grade point average (level of excellence) and expect our teammates to do the same.
12. Losing cannot and will not be tolerated in anything we do. There is no excuse for losing a football game at USC. (There is no excuse for losing or giving in to a battle against the enemy! Souls are at stake!)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Home Again . . .
Well, my brother's family along with me and the kiddos made it safely home early Saturday morning. It was smooth sailing as far as the ride goes, but we received a phone call shortly after we entered Kansas . . . .
Apparently my Dad had grabbed one of the nurses and made an inappopriate comment to her. (I will not go into details to maintain some sort of dignity for my Dad) Anyway, my mom was in tears - she didn't believe he did it, but I wasn't sure what to think. His behavior was completely inappropriate, but could be considered a "normal" behavior for someone with Parkinson's and/or dymensia. I did my best to consol my mom, but what do you say to that? There wasn't much I could say. The nursing home wanted to move my dad to a different facility because they said they couldn't "deal" with him. I was (and still am) of the opinion that people in nursing homes with mental issues (Parkinson's, dymensia, altzheimers, etc) tend to normally show "abnormal" or inapporiate behaviors and that being in nursing home care, it's just part of the deal. I felt like it was "one strike" and he was out.
It was the weekend though, so nothing would happen until Monday. Well, on Monday Mom called again and he did the same thing to another nurse - now, we had to admit that he really did in fact do these things though after my mom talked to him, he had no recollection of either incident and said he would never do what had been described. We knew that, but obviously the medicine or the disease was causing these irrational behaviors.
Yesterday my dad was transferred to Omaha to a facility to help wean him off his current Parkinson's medicine and try to find a different one that may work better. They were very helpful and kind according to my mom. She was at a point of giving up on the med's and just letting him be, but they feel it is worth one more shot at finding something to help with his thinking processes and eliminate his hallucinations and vividly morbid dreams. The facility tries to only keep people 7-10 days and then returns them to the nursing home they came from. There is a chance that it will take longer because Parkinson's patient's med's can be difficult to stabilize, but we'll see how this goes.
My mom had to go back home, so Dad is 5 hours away from Mom and I feel a million miles away from both of them.
Please be in prayer for my Dad - that the doctors will figure out what the best course of action is for him. Please be in prayer for my Mom - that she would be strong in the Lord and confident in the decisions she has to make for my Dad. Please pray for peace in my entire family as we walk through this hard time knowing though that we are not walking alone.
Apparently my Dad had grabbed one of the nurses and made an inappopriate comment to her. (I will not go into details to maintain some sort of dignity for my Dad) Anyway, my mom was in tears - she didn't believe he did it, but I wasn't sure what to think. His behavior was completely inappropriate, but could be considered a "normal" behavior for someone with Parkinson's and/or dymensia. I did my best to consol my mom, but what do you say to that? There wasn't much I could say. The nursing home wanted to move my dad to a different facility because they said they couldn't "deal" with him. I was (and still am) of the opinion that people in nursing homes with mental issues (Parkinson's, dymensia, altzheimers, etc) tend to normally show "abnormal" or inapporiate behaviors and that being in nursing home care, it's just part of the deal. I felt like it was "one strike" and he was out.
It was the weekend though, so nothing would happen until Monday. Well, on Monday Mom called again and he did the same thing to another nurse - now, we had to admit that he really did in fact do these things though after my mom talked to him, he had no recollection of either incident and said he would never do what had been described. We knew that, but obviously the medicine or the disease was causing these irrational behaviors.
Yesterday my dad was transferred to Omaha to a facility to help wean him off his current Parkinson's medicine and try to find a different one that may work better. They were very helpful and kind according to my mom. She was at a point of giving up on the med's and just letting him be, but they feel it is worth one more shot at finding something to help with his thinking processes and eliminate his hallucinations and vividly morbid dreams. The facility tries to only keep people 7-10 days and then returns them to the nursing home they came from. There is a chance that it will take longer because Parkinson's patient's med's can be difficult to stabilize, but we'll see how this goes.
My mom had to go back home, so Dad is 5 hours away from Mom and I feel a million miles away from both of them.
Please be in prayer for my Dad - that the doctors will figure out what the best course of action is for him. Please be in prayer for my Mom - that she would be strong in the Lord and confident in the decisions she has to make for my Dad. Please pray for peace in my entire family as we walk through this hard time knowing though that we are not walking alone.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Heading North . . . .
Well, Friday afternoon I leave with the kiddos and my brother's family to head to Nebraska to see my parents and my Grama. This will be the first time I've seen my dad, not at his home, but in a nursing home. I am praying that I can be strong for the kids and not break down in front of them. This is one of those moments you pray never comes, but you know is inevitable.
Watching your parents go through things like this is, in fact, in the natural order of things. It really doesn't make it much easier though. Now, I've never lost a child, and I pray I never do - I have a dear friend that lost her 8 year old daughter . . . that's NOT in the natural order of things, so I imagine that to be exponentially more difficult than this.
The thing is, I have been very sheltered from death in my family. People have died, but it's been great-uncles/aunts and one Grama. That was in the natural order of things too. I think I am struggling with my dad so much because he's still pretty young - he's 67 - not the average age of a person in nursing home care. Heck, I have an employee at Batteries Plus that's 72 and he can outwork some of my young employees!
I know fairness has nothing to do with life, but I still struggle with the "fair" thing. It's not fair! He wasn't a drinker (occassional, but not a lush - and not at all the past 15 years), he wasn't a smoker, he was a great dad and a great provider for our family.
I could stand before God and argue until I was blue in the face, but the bottom line is - God is in control and He is not surprised by my dad's condition nor my frustration, anger and sadness.
I thank God often for the fact that my dad turned his life around about 11 years ago. If it wasn't for that - I don't know what I'd do or how I'd be reacting to all this. But I do know - I have hope - that one day, my dad will be free from the cage of his body, without pain, confusion, and frustration. One day, I will see him again healed and whole and free.
I love you dad!
Watching your parents go through things like this is, in fact, in the natural order of things. It really doesn't make it much easier though. Now, I've never lost a child, and I pray I never do - I have a dear friend that lost her 8 year old daughter . . . that's NOT in the natural order of things, so I imagine that to be exponentially more difficult than this.
The thing is, I have been very sheltered from death in my family. People have died, but it's been great-uncles/aunts and one Grama. That was in the natural order of things too. I think I am struggling with my dad so much because he's still pretty young - he's 67 - not the average age of a person in nursing home care. Heck, I have an employee at Batteries Plus that's 72 and he can outwork some of my young employees!
I know fairness has nothing to do with life, but I still struggle with the "fair" thing. It's not fair! He wasn't a drinker (occassional, but not a lush - and not at all the past 15 years), he wasn't a smoker, he was a great dad and a great provider for our family.
I could stand before God and argue until I was blue in the face, but the bottom line is - God is in control and He is not surprised by my dad's condition nor my frustration, anger and sadness.
I thank God often for the fact that my dad turned his life around about 11 years ago. If it wasn't for that - I don't know what I'd do or how I'd be reacting to all this. But I do know - I have hope - that one day, my dad will be free from the cage of his body, without pain, confusion, and frustration. One day, I will see him again healed and whole and free.
I love you dad!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Struggling . . . .
I got word yesterday that my Dad is officially in a nursing home from this point forward. It's been an up and down sort of a deal because of his behavior on medications, his ability to still walk around and "function" and the struggle of my mom wanting to be able to care for him, but not fully being able to anymore.
At first the nursing home wasn't sure they could handle caring for him because he can still walk around and go do some things on his own and often he will go into other people's rooms, try to leave, etc. The other day he took someone else's glasses insisting they were his and wouldn't give them back. His own glasses . . . . yeah - they were on his face, but there was no convincing him. He has hallucinations, but at this point they aren't violent or anything like that. He sees people. He sees me, my brother, old friends, strangers. . . . . At this point, the good and bad news is, his behavior right now is probably at its worst. There will be a time when he can't get up and move around and that will actually make it easier on the staff at the nursing home. It isn't really good news, but it will make the staff's daily challenges a little less.
Parkinson's is an ugly disease and I hate that my Dad is struggling with this. I hate that my Mom is now alone, traveling the roads between where my Grama is staying and where my Dad now is. I hate that they are so far away. I hate watching my strong, stoic Dad disintegrate.
We are going to Nebraska over spring break and it will be a difficult visit to stay at my parent's house without my Dad there. It's going to be hard on my kids . . . it's going to be hard on me.
I broke down last night for the first time. I cried like I haven't cried in years. My eyes still have the puffy evidence of that cry this morning.
I know this life is temporary and one day my Dad will be free from the chains of Parkinsons. In the meantime, I take one step at a time, hoping I can be strong for my mom and my kids and that God will hold me up. I don't like struggling. I don't like it at all.
At first the nursing home wasn't sure they could handle caring for him because he can still walk around and go do some things on his own and often he will go into other people's rooms, try to leave, etc. The other day he took someone else's glasses insisting they were his and wouldn't give them back. His own glasses . . . . yeah - they were on his face, but there was no convincing him. He has hallucinations, but at this point they aren't violent or anything like that. He sees people. He sees me, my brother, old friends, strangers. . . . . At this point, the good and bad news is, his behavior right now is probably at its worst. There will be a time when he can't get up and move around and that will actually make it easier on the staff at the nursing home. It isn't really good news, but it will make the staff's daily challenges a little less.
Parkinson's is an ugly disease and I hate that my Dad is struggling with this. I hate that my Mom is now alone, traveling the roads between where my Grama is staying and where my Dad now is. I hate that they are so far away. I hate watching my strong, stoic Dad disintegrate.
We are going to Nebraska over spring break and it will be a difficult visit to stay at my parent's house without my Dad there. It's going to be hard on my kids . . . it's going to be hard on me.
I broke down last night for the first time. I cried like I haven't cried in years. My eyes still have the puffy evidence of that cry this morning.
I know this life is temporary and one day my Dad will be free from the chains of Parkinsons. In the meantime, I take one step at a time, hoping I can be strong for my mom and my kids and that God will hold me up. I don't like struggling. I don't like it at all.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Live Like You Were Dying . . .
At church we've started a small group series titled, Live Like You Were Dying. This series is based off the song by Tim McGraw. It's a 4 week series that focuses on living your life to the fullest - with no regrets. This week our Pastor spoke on speaking more sweetly and MAN was I challenged this morning with that . . . and it's only Monday!
I got my kids up and moving this morning as usual. They get 45 minutes to get ready - which they really only need about 30, but I give them that extra slow moving, lack of focus, distraction time just in case. Well, this morning I looked at the clock and they were supposed to be out the door ready to go in 10 minutes. I looked at the kids and looked back at the clock and went into panic mode. One was still in PJs, hair a mess, and didn't have her teeth brushed. My son, was barefoot, hadn't brushed teeth, cleaned his glasses and wasn't sure where his coat was. It's moments like this that speaking sweetly does not come naturally! I kept hearing Pastor's sermon in my head and I struggled with how to light a fire under their butts by speaking nicely. I probably failed miserably, but I did try not to sound like a raging lunatic. I think that's progress. Not perfection, but progress.
I hope that's all Jesus is asking of me as I can never reach perfection, but I am working on being more like Him this week with my words. The goal is to make this week's challenge into a new and improved lifestyle.
God help me!
I got my kids up and moving this morning as usual. They get 45 minutes to get ready - which they really only need about 30, but I give them that extra slow moving, lack of focus, distraction time just in case. Well, this morning I looked at the clock and they were supposed to be out the door ready to go in 10 minutes. I looked at the kids and looked back at the clock and went into panic mode. One was still in PJs, hair a mess, and didn't have her teeth brushed. My son, was barefoot, hadn't brushed teeth, cleaned his glasses and wasn't sure where his coat was. It's moments like this that speaking sweetly does not come naturally! I kept hearing Pastor's sermon in my head and I struggled with how to light a fire under their butts by speaking nicely. I probably failed miserably, but I did try not to sound like a raging lunatic. I think that's progress. Not perfection, but progress.
I hope that's all Jesus is asking of me as I can never reach perfection, but I am working on being more like Him this week with my words. The goal is to make this week's challenge into a new and improved lifestyle.
God help me!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Fire Breathing Dragon
The oddest thing happened last night . . . . I took some echinacea because I've been feeling a bit run down and I have too much to do this week to be sick! Anyway, you know how you take a pill and sometimes it feels like it just doesn't go all the way down? Well, it felt that way, so I drank some more water and didn't really think anything about it. I was having a conversation with my man, when I . . . . well, I burped. . . . the next thing I know my nose is burning and Dennis' eyes just about bug out of his head. Apparently the outer casing of the pills had dissolved, but there was still poweder from the pills in my gullet somewhere. This dark green powder came rolling out my nose. Dennis said I looked like a smoking dragon! After the burning stopped, he and I got to laughing. What a weird thing! Making' memories! LOL
Sunday, January 3, 2010
"Snooze Button" . . . A funny story told by Dennis
Yesterday morning, (Saturday, January 2nd @ 6:30am) I went into Rachel's room to wake her up. She likes to get up slowly! As I was rubbing her back and head to no avail, I began to get more rough. At some point she passes out of "coma" and into "fake sleep." She pretended to not notice that I was shaking her like a rag doll. When she finally realized that I was not going away anytime soon, she began to feel her way around my head with her eyes completely shut. She checked out every portion of my face with her fingers until my curiosity arose enough to wonder what she was looking (feeling) for so unsuccessfully. So, I asked her:
"Rachel, WHAT are you doing?"
Her response (in an annoyed 14 year old gruff voice):
"Just look'n for the SNOOZE button!"
That was the funniest thing I'd heard all month coming from a 6 year old that has never even USED a snooze button! I didn't even know she knew what one was let alone have the intuitive reflex to look for one on her assailant's head! The last of my little ones . . . I cherish her silliness and will miss this stage immensly!
"Rachel, WHAT are you doing?"
Her response (in an annoyed 14 year old gruff voice):
"Just look'n for the SNOOZE button!"
That was the funniest thing I'd heard all month coming from a 6 year old that has never even USED a snooze button! I didn't even know she knew what one was let alone have the intuitive reflex to look for one on her assailant's head! The last of my little ones . . . I cherish her silliness and will miss this stage immensly!
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