Struggling . . . .

I got word yesterday that my Dad is officially in a nursing home from this point forward. It's been an up and down sort of a deal because of his behavior on medications, his ability to still walk around and "function" and the struggle of my mom wanting to be able to care for him, but not fully being able to anymore.

At first the nursing home wasn't sure they could handle caring for him because he can still walk around and go do some things on his own and often he will go into other people's rooms, try to leave, etc. The other day he took someone else's glasses insisting they were his and wouldn't give them back. His own glasses . . . . yeah - they were on his face, but there was no convincing him. He has hallucinations, but at this point they aren't violent or anything like that. He sees people. He sees me, my brother, old friends, strangers. . . . . At this point, the good and bad news is, his behavior right now is probably at its worst. There will be a time when he can't get up and move around and that will actually make it easier on the staff at the nursing home. It isn't really good news, but it will make the staff's daily challenges a little less.

Parkinson's is an ugly disease and I hate that my Dad is struggling with this. I hate that my Mom is now alone, traveling the roads between where my Grama is staying and where my Dad now is. I hate that they are so far away. I hate watching my strong, stoic Dad disintegrate.

We are going to Nebraska over spring break and it will be a difficult visit to stay at my parent's house without my Dad there. It's going to be hard on my kids . . . it's going to be hard on me.

I broke down last night for the first time. I cried like I haven't cried in years. My eyes still have the puffy evidence of that cry this morning.

I know this life is temporary and one day my Dad will be free from the chains of Parkinsons. In the meantime, I take one step at a time, hoping I can be strong for my mom and my kids and that God will hold me up. I don't like struggling. I don't like it at all.