Who Do You Think You Are . . . .

The closer we got to school starting the more bummed I got.  You could call it border-line depressed I suppose.  The start of school will be exciting for Rebekah - she starts her freshman year in High School and I'm wondering how I got this old.  Rachel will head off to 4th grade -her final year in Elementary.  And again, I'm wondering how I got this old!  Caleb, well he'll be a teenager in a few weeks and starting his first year of junior high.  Two teenagers in the house?  Am I really old enough for that?!  But with him, I'm also wondering why . . . . . Why does he have to have learning challenges?  Why did public school just not work well for him?  Why does he have to struggle so much?  Why did God call me to home school him when He knows I don't want to? 

Call me whiny if you like.  I know there are a plethora of women who would love to stay  home and home school their children.  I actually was one of them before I ever had kids.  I had this dream of popping out kiddos and being the perfect mom, perfect wife, house clean, dinner on the table, 1950's era stay-at-home-diva who educated her children at home.  Well, after staying home for 2 years when Rebekah and Caleb were born, I quickly realized that staying at home was not really how God had wired me. I don't do well staying in one place for too long.  I'm even more social than I had realized.  I'm a terrible house keeper.  I'm way too moody a wife/mom, and although I can get dinner on the table, it's really only because I'm hungry; it's not about anyone else.  We went deeply into debt those two years I was home so I went back to work to try and help us dig out of our mess and regain some sanity.  

Well, here we are 11 years after going back to work, and I'm now working from home.  A fairly nice luxury because I can work in my pajamas with yesterday's makeup smudged on my face and no one cares.  This luxury though, has now brought on extra responsibility (or opportunity) -homeschooling my son.  

Caleb was one of those kids who was falling through the cracks of the public school system.  He was failing educationally and in a downward spiral emotionally and spiritually.  It was a difficult thing to watch happen.   After much discussion, prayer, tears, and arguing with God, I submit to the fact that Caleb needed me to teach him.  NOT in my plan.  

So, here we are, two weeks away from school starting and God has really jerked me up short the past month.  I'm still not in the best frame of mind, but it's getting better.  Let me show you why. . . 

July 2nd, 2013 at H2O - Ps. Lisa asks the question, "Do you know when God calls your name?" Thankfully, I can honestly answer, "yes."  She then went on to say, "We can never fully understand God, but I have to know Him well enough to know He has the best plan for me."   I certainly don't know what God is up to.  I feel so far away from what I feel He has for me in the future and each year I feel I grow further and further away.  It's often hard to trust that He does know what's best, but I'm trying.

July 7th, 2013 at Sun morning service- Kendra shares the scripture from Joshua 1:9, "Be strong and courageous."  I didn't want to be courageous, and I feel weak in the home school category, but okay, God.  I'll try.  

July 14th & 21st at Sun morning service- Ps. John Morgan talks about the clash between our soul and our spirit.  There is definitely a clash going on inside me.  I struggle between knowing I am doing what God has asked and the fact that it sucks that Caleb even has learning challenges and the fact that I just don't want to do this.  Why does God ask us to do things we don't want to do?

July 28th at Sun morning service - Ps. Nathan talked about Zaccheus and how we need to come down from our "tree" of depending on our own skills and abilities.  Yes, I do tend to be stubbornly independent and I don't like to ask for help.  I do know, though that God will help me with home schooling if I would just ask.  

August 4th Sun morning video message - I completely missed the name of the man that spoke, but he talked about how there is value in our struggles; God's grace is all I need; give God my best and trust Him with the rest; when I focus on the struggle and challenges they will eat me alive. (yes, they will!) Keep on Rocking!  So I realized that there is value in Caleb's struggle and there is value in my struggle with not wanting to home school.  It's easy for me to see the value in my son's struggle (He will learn persistence, work ethic, tenacity . . . they can all increase in the struggle), but it's very difficult to back up and see what value there is in God asking me to do something I dislike.  I guess I'm building character.  Learning to be selfless, more giving, and more reliant on my Creator.  

August 6, 2013 at H2O - Jeanette Madkins - This Girl is on Fire!  I realized being in the fire doesn't have to be a bad thing.  God's fire is refining and purifying.  This struggle I'm in may be refining me and turning me more into who He needs me to become in order to fulfill my calling for Him.  He may be using the tool of Homeschooling to create the me He needs me to be.  Lord burn off of me what binds me and just like in cooking with alcohol, leave only that which is truly useful.  

August 6th -Bible reading at home - Job 38:1 "Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?  You do not know what you are talking about."  Well, geez God.  Could you be any more blunt than that?!  So, even though I don't want to home school, I shouldn't disagree because I don't know what I'm talking about?  Well, that was a tough one to digest.  I'm still not excited about home school, but Lord, I'm trying to quit arguing with you.  

August 11, 2013 Sun morning service - Ps. Danny - "stay focused on lifting up the purpose of Jesus"  Jesus came to serve.  Isn't that what I'm doing for Caleb - serving him?  I am partnering with God to help Him fulfill Caleb's life purpose.  Lord, help me hone in on Caleb's skills, gifts, and talents to help him become who You need him to be in order to fulfill his life purpose.  

I know this is long, but aside from the message God got through to me over the period of a month and a half through various people, there is a message to all of you too who are not planted in a church.  It took some time and a number of different teachings to get me to the place where I can quit whining.  I'm still struggling, but I'm done whining.  If I had missed any one of these teachings, not all of the dots may have been connected that I needed to be connected. 

Thank you God for talking to me and using every single one of these people to help reach me and bring me to a place of peace.  It's not a place of ease, but a place of peace.  Help me move forward with excellence and meet the need of my son.  In Jesus name . . . Amen!