Struggling . . . .

I got word yesterday that my Dad is officially in a nursing home from this point forward. It's been an up and down sort of a deal because of his behavior on medications, his ability to still walk around and "function" and the struggle of my mom wanting to be able to care for him, but not fully being able to anymore.

At first the nursing home wasn't sure they could handle caring for him because he can still walk around and go do some things on his own and often he will go into other people's rooms, try to leave, etc. The other day he took someone else's glasses insisting they were his and wouldn't give them back. His own glasses . . . . yeah - they were on his face, but there was no convincing him. He has hallucinations, but at this point they aren't violent or anything like that. He sees people. He sees me, my brother, old friends, strangers. . . . . At this point, the good and bad news is, his behavior right now is probably at its worst. There will be a time when he can't get up and move around and that will actually make it easier on the staff at the nursing home. It isn't really good news, but it will make the staff's daily challenges a little less.

Parkinson's is an ugly disease and I hate that my Dad is struggling with this. I hate that my Mom is now alone, traveling the roads between where my Grama is staying and where my Dad now is. I hate that they are so far away. I hate watching my strong, stoic Dad disintegrate.

We are going to Nebraska over spring break and it will be a difficult visit to stay at my parent's house without my Dad there. It's going to be hard on my kids . . . it's going to be hard on me.

I broke down last night for the first time. I cried like I haven't cried in years. My eyes still have the puffy evidence of that cry this morning.

I know this life is temporary and one day my Dad will be free from the chains of Parkinsons. In the meantime, I take one step at a time, hoping I can be strong for my mom and my kids and that God will hold me up. I don't like struggling. I don't like it at all.

Live Like You Were Dying . . .

At church we've started a small group series titled, Live Like You Were Dying. This series is based off the song by Tim McGraw. It's a 4 week series that focuses on living your life to the fullest - with no regrets. This week our Pastor spoke on speaking more sweetly and MAN was I challenged this morning with that . . . and it's only Monday!

I got my kids up and moving this morning as usual. They get 45 minutes to get ready - which they really only need about 30, but I give them that extra slow moving, lack of focus, distraction time just in case. Well, this morning I looked at the clock and they were supposed to be out the door ready to go in 10 minutes. I looked at the kids and looked back at the clock and went into panic mode. One was still in PJs, hair a mess, and didn't have her teeth brushed. My son, was barefoot, hadn't brushed teeth, cleaned his glasses and wasn't sure where his coat was. It's moments like this that speaking sweetly does not come naturally! I kept hearing Pastor's sermon in my head and I struggled with how to light a fire under their butts by speaking nicely. I probably failed miserably, but I did try not to sound like a raging lunatic. I think that's progress. Not perfection, but progress.

I hope that's all Jesus is asking of me as I can never reach perfection, but I am working on being more like Him this week with my words. The goal is to make this week's challenge into a new and improved lifestyle.

God help me!

Fire Breathing Dragon

The oddest thing happened last night . . . . I took some echinacea because I've been feeling a bit run down and I have too much to do this week to be sick! Anyway, you know how you take a pill and sometimes it feels like it just doesn't go all the way down? Well, it felt that way, so I drank some more water and didn't really think anything about it. I was having a conversation with my man, when I . . . . well, I burped. . . . the next thing I know my nose is burning and Dennis' eyes just about bug out of his head. Apparently the outer casing of the pills had dissolved, but there was still poweder from the pills in my gullet somewhere. This dark green powder came rolling out my nose. Dennis said I looked like a smoking dragon! After the burning stopped, he and I got to laughing. What a weird thing! Making' memories! LOL

"Snooze Button" . . . A funny story told by Dennis

Yesterday morning, (Saturday, January 2nd @ 6:30am) I went into Rachel's room to wake her up. She likes to get up slowly! As I was rubbing her back and head to no avail, I began to get more rough. At some point she passes out of "coma" and into "fake sleep." She pretended to not notice that I was shaking her like a rag doll. When she finally realized that I was not going away anytime soon, she began to feel her way around my head with her eyes completely shut. She checked out every portion of my face with her fingers until my curiosity arose enough to wonder what she was looking (feeling) for so unsuccessfully. So, I asked her:
"Rachel, WHAT are you doing?"

Her response (in an annoyed 14 year old gruff voice):

"Just look'n for the SNOOZE button!"

That was the funniest thing I'd heard all month coming from a 6 year old that has never even USED a snooze button! I didn't even know she knew what one was let alone have the intuitive reflex to look for one on her assailant's head! The last of my little ones . . . I cherish her silliness and will miss this stage immensly!

Fall pictures at Central Park

Went to Central Park the other day and tried to catch some good pictures of the kiddos. . . The last one is my favorite!

All Finished!

Well, I am completely finished with my book and am currently waiting on the 5 free copies I am supposed to receive. Some friends and family have already ordered the book, which is currently available on Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. The title is, Brushstrokes.

I don't know where this journey will take me. It still may very well just be a test of obedience, it could be more. Only God knows that and I just pray I can hear His voice and obey whatever the calling is.

It's been quite a ride!

http://tinyurl.com/ydpshh5

Almost Ready for the Editor

For those that have been following the journey of my book, I believe it is ready to be sent to an editor.

Dennis did some research and has found a publishing company that will allow you to self publish a book w/0 having to commit to purchasing a couple thousand right off the starting block. They print books on demands for customers whether they want 1 book or 2oo books, they will do it. I get to keep 100% of the rights to my book, so if I ever choose to take the book to a different publisher, I can. We will see what happens.

The trick is finding the right editor. I've been in contact with one that is cheap. Cheap isn't always good, but her resume looks good, so we will see. I've turned my book over to a couple more people to get their insight and input to see if I've missed the big picture in an area. After I hear from them, I will proceed with editing. The editor commits to finishing the editing within 3 weeks, if I remember correctly. It can take 1 1/2 - 3 months for publishing to be finished.

I am a little nervous about the whole thing, but all I've lost is the time spent on it and even in that, the process has stretched me personally and spiritually, so really, nothing is lost.

I will keep you posted on the next phase of this adventure!