His Chains are Gone . . .

It was Tuesday, September 28th at 6:15 AM - my phone rang, just as it had in my dreams a couple weeks earlier. It was my mom on the other end. . . . "Your Dad died" she managed to choke out those words. In that one moment I felt grief, confusion, and relief. Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace immediately began playing in my head. . . . "My chains are gone, I've been set free. . . ." Those were the only words rolling through my mind. It was like I was stuck on that one sentence and couldn't get to the rest of the song.

Being stuck on that one sentence stayed with me throughout the day. This is where the relief part of my emotions came in to play. You see, my Dad's body had literally become a cage to him. His movement was limited. His mental capacity and grasp of reality was fading only to be replaced by hallucinations and irrational thoughts that mirrored the unsaved, old nature of my Dad. He was literally a prisoner inside his own body and only God Himself could release him. And release him, He did.

I began to think of all the things I had to do. We obviously would have to be heading to Nebraska within a day. Kids had to be told, but still needed to get up and get ready for school - I would wait to tell them until they got home. I pulled myself together enough to get them off to school. Then I had to get myself ready for work so I could get a week's worth of stuff done in a few hours, head to the grocery store for road trip food, do laundry and pack.

I was either numb or in denial - I think maybe I still am, though I'm not really sure. I honestly felt nothing. That sounds so callous, but it's the raw truth. I truly believe I greived the loss of my Dad back in February when he went into the nursing home. At that point I realized he was gone. He still knew who I was for the most part, but he was no longer in his home, he was all alone, and picturing him in a nursing home hurt so deeply. I know it was what he needed and it was he best choice as far as his medical care went, but that didn't help with the emotional loss of my Dad - although he was still here, we were at a point of no return and I knew it. I remember that February day - sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing like I never had before. My eyes were almost swollen shut and Dennis stared at me like I was from another planet. He'd never seen me like that either and I think it frightened him. He didn't know what to do - there was nothing he could do. This couldn't be fixed.

Back to September 28th - the grief I felt in February had mostly passed - as much as grief ever "passes". I was at the relief point. No more suffering for my dad. No more financial questions or worries about medical stuff for my mom to deal with. No more emotional roller coasters regarding Dad's care. Only freedom. Freedom from his cage - freedom from worrying about him - my Dad was truly free and with Christ. (sigh)

Dad's funeral was the first funeral my kids had ever been to. Rebekah struggled terribly as I knew she would. Rachel wondered if Grampa was just sleeping. Caleb didn't say much - he just looked around at everyone and took it all in. The song sung at Dad's funeral - Amazing Grace. It was his favorite. The shirt he wore - "I'm the wretch the song refers to." It too, was his favorite.

One thing I realized after it was all over is that my family was being watched. One of my brother's best friends said, "I've never watched a Christian family grieve." It hit me - I guess that Christians would certainly grieve differently than those that had no hope in Christ. Then I began to reflect on all the people that were there, watching and listening. The men in my Dad's life that had known him in his "sinner" days and loved him dearly, but were here NOW for the Pastor's testimony of my Dad's "saved" days and the transformation that had taken place in his heart. I stood in awe at the events that took place and the people's lives that I do believe were truly touched by Dad's testimony, for in his death God did a mighty work of seed planting into the lives of these people. I do believe with everything in me, that a harvest will come and these men who may still be in their "sinner" days, will soon come to fulfill the rest of their lives in their "saved" days.

It's a remarkable thing to be able to grieve with hope, for without it, I'm not sure how I would have handled Dad's death. God is good and Dad's chains are gone, never to be bound again.

I may write more later as there are many more details I've left out, but for now, i think you get the point.